Familial Connections

#10 of The Carson Diaries, from the episode “The Brotherhood”

by Setcheti

 

 

All right, that’s it.  I’ve had enough.

 

This is the third night runnin’ that he’s not had any sleep.  I don’t have to ask to know it’s nightmares doin’ it, and seein’ him rub his arm all the time I don’t have to ask what they’re about.  I don’t have to ask…and I bloody well can’t, since he’s still not talkin’ to anyone.  Even moreso now than before.

 

It ends tonight – this one part of it, anyway.

 

The corridors are quiet this time of night, and a bit spooky because of it, but right now I’m not bothered by that.  I find the door I’m lookin’ for and bang on it with my fist.  Wasn’t all that long ago I was knockin’ on this same door on another quiet night to check on the major and Rodney, after that mess with the nanites, but that’s a far cry from what I’m doin’ here now.  I don’t announce myself this time, I just use my fist to take out my frustrations on his door.  The noise I’m makin’ should fluster him some and I’m countin’ on it, I want him off-balance so I can get the upper hand.

 

And once I’ve got it, he’ll not be gettin’ it back tonight.

 

Sure enough, the door slides open and he’s all set to start yellin’ at whoever’s disurbin’ him…and that’s when I grab his arm and just haul him out of the room into the corridor.  He’s dressed for bed, barefoot, and he’s every bit as flustered as I could hope – too flustered to fight back as I drag him around two corners and up to another door.  This time I don’t knock, I just trigger it with my ATA gene and it slides open for us.

 

We’re inside Rodney’s room before Sheppard can form a coherent sentence.  “Dr. Beckett, what the hell…”

 

“Look around,” I growl at him, givin’ him a shake by the arm I’m still holdin’.  “Go on, take a good look and tell me what you see!”

 

He glares at me, but as I’ve noted before our major’s not stupid so he starts to look.  It takes him a few minutes, but when he stiffens a bit lookin’ at the bed I know he’s seen what I wanted him to and I drag him back out again without another word.  This time, though, he pulls against me when we’re halfway down the next corridor.  “Would you just tell me what the hell is going on?!”

 

I don’t stop.  “If you’d been doin’ your job I wouldn’t have to.  Now come along, we’re not done yet.”  Into the infirmary I drag him, and through it into my lab where I shove him down onto a stool in front of my laptop.  And wait.

 

He’s givin’ me a very suspicious look, and I notice him tuckin’ up his feet on the lowest rung of the stool to keep them off the cold floor.  But he looks, and starts back a bit in surprise.  “Hey, isn’t this…”

 

“The scannin’ program Rodney was usin’ durin’ your last meetin’ with Chaya,” I answer before he can finish.  “You didn’t think he was interpretin’ that data all on his own, did you?  I was tapped in to his laptop with mine, sittin’ right here listenin’ to everythin’ that went on.  I thought it was especially interestin’ when she tried to make it his fault that her people weren’t goin’ to help us – especially since she already knew why he’d been actin’ like he had.”  I hit a button and flip out of the screen he’s lookin’ at to show him another.  “There, read that and then you’ll know too – if you didn’t already, that is.”

 

Look at those eyes widen.  They’ll be wider still in a minute, once he realizes what she did to him.  And once I’m sure he’s realized it…I finger the syringe I had layin’ ready on the other side of the table.  Like I said, it ends tonight. 

 

I move around behind him, readin’ over his shoulder, and when he gasps I say, “Learned somethin’ of interest to you?”

 

“She was…”  He looks up at me over his shoulder.  “She made me…”

 

“It was affectin’ me too,” I tell him.  “And Rodney as well, just in a different way because his gene isn’t natural.  I believe that’s why they took such an instant dislike to each other, in fact.”  My hand tightens on his shoulder.  “What was it she did to you when you went back, John?”

 

Every time I’ve asked him, or Dr. Weir has, he hasn’t answered.  He blinks, then looks back at the screen.  “She…we joined, that’s the only way I can explain it.  It was a hundred times more intimate than sex, it was like we became each other.  We knew everything…”

 

“No, only one of you did.”  I stab the needle into his arm, usin’ my hand on his shoulder to keep him from jumpin’ up – not that he was havin’ much luck with his feet tangled up under the stool like that.  “You’ll be catchin’ up now, I think.  I found the answer I was lookin’ for yesterday, already used it on myself.  This has gone on long enough, and I’m tired of it.”

 

He looks up again, wide-eyed and confused.  “What did you just do to me?”

 

“Cured you.”  I wave my hand at the screen.  “It was a pheromone reaction caused by the ATA genes we all have, it was a little bit like bein’ chemically brainwashed.  I just corrected the imbalance, put you back to normal.”  I raise an eyebrow when he starts to look a bit too relieved and give him a little shake.  “Don’t you go thinkin’ that gets you off the hook with me,” I tell him harshly.  “She was brainwashin’ you, yes, but you went along with it – and you’ve been goin’ along with it ever since, even though without her around to reinforce it it’s been wearin’ off little by little.  It wasn’t all her, John, and I’ll not let you pass it off like it was.  You’re goin’ to have to take responsibility for the way you’ve been actin’ and just hope to hell it does even the least little bit of good.”

 

It’s plain he doesn’t understand.  “What do you mean, even a little bit?  Once you explain this to McKay…”

 

“He already knows.”  I give him one of my mother’s looks, the one that makes you think you should crawl into a corner someplace.  “He’s known since the beginnin’, obviously – he came to me and had me check him over the day you brought her back here, he knew somethin’ was wrong with the way he’d been feelin’ and actin’.  There was just nothin’ to be done about it.” 

 

That stands him up.  “Where…”

 

“The same place he’s been the past three nights.”  Not that I’m goin’ to tell him where that is, not tonight anyway.  I’d sent Bates out to find Rodney earlier, which he’d been more than happy to do; he’s still not any too happy about Chaya’s influence over our major either, especially since it just kept goin’ on.  “You saw his bed.”

 

“I saw that it hadn’t been slept in for a while, yeah.”  His bare feet make almost no sound on the floor as he paces.  “Are you sure he isn’t…”

 

“Sleepin’ somewhere else, like in his lab?”  I snort.  “Dr. Zelenka tells me he sees Rodney nod off at his desk and then jerk awake, he’s never out for more than five or ten minutes.  And I can’t let it go on any longer, it isn’t safe.”

 

He nods, as much to himself as to me.  “True, if he’s not firing on all thrusters he might break something, or overlook something…”

 

“Or he might not be thinkin’ clearly and he might do somethin’ stupid, like handin’ himself over to a madman who’s already tortured him once.”  He doesn’t have to be facin’ me for me to know that made him flinch.  “Or tryin’ to take the blame for your not gettin’ this last ZPM – I was at the briefin’, remember?  And he would’ve gotten away with it if Elizabeth of all people hadn’t stepped in and told him to stop beatin’ himself up, that there was no way he could’ve known a simple comment about not bein’ born here would have that effect on those people.”  I step in front of him, stoppin’ the pace.  “Not to mention that you tried to make it sound like he’d been inappropriate with that Allina woman, accusin’ him of makin’ your mistake when you bloody well knew he’d not even been aware she was comin’ on to him until after the fact.  I don’t think Teyla’s any too happy with you over that one.”

 

“She was kind of quick to correct me at the briefing.”  He makes a face, shifts his weight from one foot to the other.  “Ford didn’t say anything, though.”

 

“He won’t take Rodney’s side over yours and you know it.”  The lights in my lab are dim this time of night, and the blue-white light from my laptop screen has this lookin’ like a scene from an old movie – half of everythin’ in shadow, the other half picked out with a sharp edge like somethin’ cut from a magazine page and stuck down on a different background.  Somehow it seems fittin’ to me that we’re havin’ this conversation in such a dramatic settin’, even though I didn’t do it on purpose.  “Although his report has a note in it that he wasn’t sure the way you split your team for searchin’ was the safest way – keepin’ he and Teyla with you and leavin’ Rodney on his own.”

 

“Weir already said something to me about that,” he shoots back.  “But I had my reasons, and I stand by the decisions I made on the mission – interference or no interference.  And it is McKay’s fault we didn’t get the ZPM.”

 

“Dr. Weir disagrees with you, so do I,” is my response.  I fold my arms across my chest.  “Rodney doesn’t.  Even though he was so tired when she asked him the question that he barely remembered answerin’ it, he blames himself for slippin’ up at all.  I guess neither of you ever considered that Allina’s people might’ve double-checked with the Genii before they decided to hide our only hope away for another ten-thousand years, did you?”

 

He mimics my pose, foldin’ his own arms in a stubborn gesture.  “It wasn’t our only hope, Doctor, we’ve still got four more addresses to check…”  He trails off at the look I’m givin’ him, realizes his mistake and backtracks a little.  “Oh, right.  Four more.”

 

“Four more.”  I don’t soften a bit.  “And tomorrow mornin’ I’m recommendin’ to Dr. Weir that your team not be allowed to go offworld to look for them, to let another team do it, and I’ll be bringin’ along the information I’ve got about the ATA-linked pheromone reaction to show to her so she’ll know why it’s important.”

 

That startles him.  “You mean you hadn’t told her already?” he all but squeaks.

 

“If I had she’d have grounded you ‘til I came up with a solution, which I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do.  I took a risk, countin’ on you to be the man I know you to be, and now I know I was wrong to do it.  I’m sure she’ll be havin’ a piece of me over that tomorrow, and she’ll be right.”  I abruptly unfold and turn my back on him, goin’ back to my laptop and sittin’ down.  “You can go back to your quarters now, Major.  I’m done with ye.”

 

A soft slide of bare skin against metal; he’s shufflin’ his feet.  “What about McKay?”

 

I know better than to take hope from the question.  “What about him?”

 

“Are you going to cure him too?”

 

See?  “I don’t need to,” I tell him, not turnin’ around.  “It’s not doin’ him any harm.  In fact, it’s rather useful; he knows the signs now, if you ever again run into one of the Ancients, he’ll know it and he’ll put everyone on guard.”  I hear him take a breath and interrupt.  “Yes, I already talked with him about it.”

 

He’s quiet for a moment.  “But if this thing affects the way he interacts with me…”

 

“It doesn’t.”  Thought you’d get out of it that easy, did you?  Not hardly.  I snort.  “You’re not an Ancient, Major; you just have a tiny bit more in common with them genetically than the rest of us do.  If Rodney’s reactin’ to you differently, you’d best look to your own actions for the reason why.”

 

More quiet, then… “When he found out I’d passed the Mensa test but didn’t join, he looked like I’d kicked him in the gut.”

 

I’m not sure if he’s tryin’ to understand or just fishin’ – but I lean toward fishin’.  “His intelligence is the only thing Rodney has.”  It’s pitiful but all too true, from Rodney’s perspective anyway.  “You’d be lookin’ sick too if one of your best friends just told you the only thing you had to offer wasn’t good enough for him.”

 

“I never said that!”

 

“No, but it’s what he heard.”  I turn around partway then, lettin’ the light from the screen flow past me as I look at him.  A little more drama can’t hurt, might make this conversation stick in his mind a bit longer, even.  “And unless you explained it to him later, what he heard is the only thing that matters.”

 

I don’t have to ask to know he didn’t say word one about it.  “Yeah, I guess it would be.”  He looks at the floor, scuffles his feet again.  “Even the least little bit of good, huh?”

 

“Your guess is as good as mine.”  You’re lucky to have one chance at gettin’ someone like Rodney to trust you; expectin’ a second is askin’ for a bloody miracle.  But it won’t help any for me to say so, so I turn back to my laptop and start pretendin’ to do somethin’.  “Good night, Major.”

 

He hesitates, but then I hear him leave and once I’m sure he’s gone I shut off my laptop and stand up.  It’s just dark in here now, a lot like the other times I’ve sat in my lab alone of a night to think, and I can hear the quiet all around me.  I know it’s not quiet or dark where Rodney is, out on the groundin’ platform with the waves and the stars, but I suppose he thinks better out there where he doesn’t feel so closed in.  I won’t disturb him tonight; Bates said he was just putterin’ around out there so I know he’s not up to anythin’ I need to be worried about.

 

Yet, anyway.  The waves and stars are fine, but if he keeps up pokin’ around at that suspension chamber with its three thousand year wakin’ cycle…then I’ll worry.  He’s said before he wouldn’t leave the city unless he was sure he’d be comin’ back, so after what’s gone on the past few weeks I wouldn’t be puttin’ it past him to be lookin’ for a way to stay here after everyone else leaves.  It’s the sort of thing that would make sense to him, givin’ himself what he wants and punishin’ himself at the same time.

 

Tomorrow I’ll have to try talkin’ to him again.  As much homesick as I am, if he tried to stay behind I’d have a hard time leavin’ without him – we’re sort of like family after all that’s gone on.  Maybe he needs to hear that, and I’ll just hope it helps when he does.